My eyes are full f ink
The pr cess was supp sed t be painless. I called my m ther t day. Able t type the number with my ne remaining hand. My ph ne is back t fact ry settings. S n I d n’t think it will be there at all.
She did n t kn w wh I was. W rse than that. The call scared her. She didn’t even answer the first time. Unkn wn number! f c urse!
“I have ne s n! ne s n! That’s it. There is n b dy else! There never has been!”
“I think I w uld remember my wn flesh and bl d. Never call here again!”
I must have g ne fr m the ph t graphs there t . I began t fade fr m the nes n my ph ne a few days ag . At h me there’s a big ne in the hallway where the ph ne is. All f ur f us. She must have seen the gap between her and my br ther. That can’t have helped.
The plane tickets and new identity were a dec y f c urse. I never planned t g abr ad. Just f r every ne t think I had. Including y u. A happy delusi n, kinder than the truth.
There are ther things t . Things I had n t anticipated. My h usemates cann t see me.
“This r m has been empty f r tw years!” H w i this even p ssible?!”
“The Landl rds n the ph ne. We we him twelve th usand in rent! H w did we n t
see this?”
The m ney I put aside did n t g thr ugh. It never existed in the first place. I was n t there t earn it.
I am s s rry f r this
Her b k gives me little c mf rt n w. Was this h w it was f r her? It d esn’t seem that way. Her passing was beautiful. She was taken away, n ughted. A life f j y and service and passing t a place where all that remained f her was w rship and her delight in her w rship. I th ught I was being shewn a new way f being, an escape but I have been deceived. N w I cann t be and I cann t escape.
It is all beginning t make sense.
I am standing in the hallway. I d n t kn w h w l ng I have been here. The h use is an empty field, then new, then a ruin, then dust then a field again ver and ver again.
I see families c me and g and c me again. S mtimes they see me. Maybe I will see me t . I am gr wing f rgetful n w. I have been here bef re
...
r have I?
N w I am a thing. Very s n I will be n thing at all
...
I h pe